Charitable Interpretation -The Art of Virtual Conversations
Apr 17, 20120 comments
There seems to be some debate on how much of our messages are communicated non-verbally. The range is often quoted between 60 and 93 per cent. There’s a 7% - 38% - 55% rule that circulates, saying seven per cent of our communication is based on the words, 38 percent is based on our tone and vocal cues, and 55 per cent is on our body language.
Despite the breakdown of the numbers, when you don’t go face-to-face in communication, you lose the chemical benefits we talked about in our post about sparking fascination and trust in conversations. In a phone conversation, you have the advantage of using vocal cues, but an email relies completely on the words. If the above formula is true, there is a 7 % chance of conveying what you need to, based on words alone. Add a camera to the call, and you have some of the advantages of face-to-face, but you still lack that chemical connection of being present with one another, in the same room.
Charitable Interpretation, where you interpret the other person’s meaning and intent with goodwill, and attach the most favorable perspective to their words, is a tool you can use in any conversation – virtual or otherwise.
Phone & Teleconference Conversations
•Take a few minutes at the start of your conversation for up-front connection and bonding. Be intentional and authentic, while respecting the need for others on the call, to get on with the business of the call.
•Smile. Even though the other party may not be able to see it, your smile comes through in your voice and enhances connection.
•Demonstrate respect to engage your virtual audience – give your undivided focus. Don’t give in to the urge of answering your email while the other person Is talking. Remember, hearing is more acute in a phone call and the other party may hear the tapping of a keyboard.
•Reflect implications: reflect back the essence of the speaker’s message, and the implications of what that may mean inside their world. This sends a clear signal to them that you deeply understand their message as well as where they are coming from. People tend to trust someone who understands them.
•Use word pictures and stories to intrigue the listener and help them understand your world.
Email Conversations
•Before composing an email, step into the other person’s world and ask yourself whether this is the best way to send the message, or if a phone call or a face-to-face conversation is best. If it is an emotional, personal or sensitive issue, email is not the vehicle to use.
•Consider the language that most appeal to this person. Are they technical or non-technical, formal or informal, expressive or succinct? Frame your message in the language that will make it easy for them to read and relate to.
• When you read something ambiguous in an email and it strikes you the “wrong way”, pick up the phone and ask clarifying questions with the intent of understanding, rather than being accusatory. Get curious. If it’s impossible for you to go voice to voice, then send an email asking for clarification: “I wanted to check with you on your email earlier today. Your comment on me being like ‘a dog with a bone’ could be interpreted as either admiring my perseverance or being annoyed at my stubbornness. I wanted to make sure I understood your intent. Can you say more?” Do not allow your uneasiness to go unvoiced, otherwise your heightened sensitivity may be mis-read in subsequent communication.
What has worked for you in your virtual conversations? Share your ideas here – we want to hear your suggestions!
How to stop toxic communication
Apr 12, 20120 commentsCompanies across North America are suffering from communication cancer, a toxic form of communication that destroys respect, trust, energy, and above all, performance.
In our work with business leaders, we have uncovered four of the most common causes of communication toxicity in organizations. They are:
- Indirect Communication - The use of nonverbal messages, disapproving attitudes, critical humor or public teasing to send a veiled message to someone instead of having a direct, face-to-face conversation.
- Character Assassination - Dishonoring people when they are not there to speak for themselves by assigning malice to their actions, words or motives.
- Public Redressing - Uncovering someone’s private issue in a public forum because it’s uncomfortable to go face-to-face with that person.
- e-Stabbing - Sending out a scathing e-mail and cc’ing or blind-copying those to whom you wish to "leak" juicy information or sending an e-mail to request someone’s assistance and cc’ing his or her supervisor so the person is forced to comply.
Take these examples:
- At a national sales conference, a CEO unexpectedly and publicly dresses down his corporate sales team for not meeting its sales targets — figures that the CEO had devised and given to the sales force without its input.
- Employees at a growing start-up firm enjoy an innovative work culture filled with office friendships. The atmosphere quickly devolves when candid feedback is suppressed in order to preserve friendships. It’s replaced by widespread complaining, discontent and passive-aggressive behavior behind each other’s backs.
- A CEO sends out a holiday policy change that varies for each employee level of the organization. Senior executives get a specific holiday off with pay, while middle managers can take a day off in lieu, and administrative support will be docked the day's pay. The policy is communicated in a single e-mail sent to all the organization’s 5,000 employees.
If you’re ready step into the journey of stopping “toxic communication” at work, at home or in your community, we recommend these four actions:
- Use direct communication and avoid sending messages (email) that might leave ambiguity in the mind of the receiver. Practice “XYZ” communication: “When you do X, it makes me feel Y. Could I ask you to do Z instead?”
- Shut down character assassinations. To avoid becoming a character assassin, use this simple rule: While speaking about someone to others, picture them beside you and only say the things you would say if they were present. If you are a victim of toxic communication, invest in a direct, face-to-face conversation with the person who started the toxic message and those infected.
- Interrupt public redressing. If you are a manager, don’t discipline people in front of their peers unless the issue absolutely must be addressed publicly, in the moment, to avert a greater disaster.
- Go face-to-face with e-stabbers. Help them understand the implications of using technology as a fault-broadcaster, a power-lever or a rear-covering device. One or two face-to-face conversations with a person like that will provide a healthy disincentive.
By removing the toxic communication from your workplace, you create the space for healthier and more productive dialogue that leads to higher levels of energy and more performance.
What other types of toxic communication do you see in your organization?
Connect, Trust and Spark Fascination through Conversation
Apr 10, 20120 commentsIn last week’s blog post, Are you spreading optimism or pessimism, we discussed how emotions can be contagious. This week, we’d like to explain how you can create connections, increase trust and spark fascination in your conversations.
The Connection Contagion
Great leaders understand the powerful secret of human connection. They spend time interacting with employees, showing interest in them as a person (versus treating them like corporate chattel), listening to them, and thanking them face-to-face for their contribution. When you need to convey optimism, passion, purpose, gratitude or seriousness, the most effective way to do it is face-to-face. The limbic system in your brain regulates emotions, and sends out a wavelength in face-to-face conversations that act as a contagion to imprint others with passion and it can powerfully serve an entire organization. If you need to deliver excitement and enthusiasm, or perhaps compassion and kindness, along with your words, consider a face-to-face conversation as your default, if possible.
Create Trust / Reduce Tension
Face-to-face conversation is essential if you need to create trust and reduce tension in a relationship. It increases trust, bonding, attention, and pleasure, and it reduces fear and worry. As Edward Halowell puts it in his Harvard Business Review article called The Human Moment at Work:
“Nature … equips us with hormones that promote trust and bonding: oxytocin and vasopressin. Most abundant in nursing mothers, these hormones are always present to some degree in all of us, but they rise when we feel empathy for another person – in particular when we are meeting with someone face to face. It has been shown that these bonding hormones are at suppressed levels when people are physically separate.”
That explains why it’s easier to rip someone apart in an email than it would be if you were standing in front of them. But face-to-face conversation not only produces trust, it can be the happy Prozac moment of your day. Hallowell adds that “scientists hypothesize that in-person contact stimulates two important neurotransmitters: dopamine, which enhances attention and pleasure, and serotonin, which reduces fear and worry.”
Spark Fascination
Have you ever had a conversation with an “expert” who is explaining something that is intricate and complex, but you find yourself fully capable of comprehending what is being said? It’s as if all your channels are open - no distorted buzzing in the background. In another conversation, a different expert is explaining a subject that is no more complex but you feel thick and slow, unable to comprehend the message.
What was the difference? Sometimes it’s more than just your affinity with the subject matter or how ‘with it’ you felt on a given day. Often, chemistry can be at play. Perhaps the first speaker made you feel respected and valued. The second made you feel patronized and disrespected. Each of these two interactions sets into motion a very different hormonal chain of events.
Daniel Goleman, in Working with Emotional Intelligence,discusses the scientific evidence regarding the physical effects on people when they are disrespected or respected. “When we experience stress -- for example, when we’re being psychologically “erased” or simply ignored by others -- our bodies release cortisol, sometimes called the stress hormone. When cortisol is released into our pre-frontal cortex, the logic center or CPU of our brains, can shut down up to sixty-six percent of our rational reasoning powers. The unhappy effect is that we find it hard to understand what is being said. We literally remain stupid, no matter how hard we try to understand.”
He adds that whensomeone positively engages us, “our brain is being soaked in a bath of catecholamines and other substances triggered by the adrenal system. These chemicals prime the brain to stay attentive and interested, even fascinated, and energized for an almost effortless, sustained effort.”
If you want to make a deep and lasting imprint on people, make them feel respected and valued as you converse with them. Doing so will enable them to find the fascination that keeps them engaged to the point of full understanding.
This post discusses face-to-face conversation as the ideal default mode when communicating, to take advantage of your body’s natural chemicals to engage in a better connection. Next week will introduce reality, and talk about how to be more effective at having better conversations virtually and electronically.
Bullying: At Work & School
Dec 14, 20110 commentsDuring the past few weeks, strong anti-bullying messages have been circulating in an effort to end some of the the tragedies of student taking their own lives. Jonah is a 13-year-old boy with a disarming story. He tells his painful and often hard-to-watch journey in this video:
Perhaps I should have been stronger in my warning. As a parent of a child this age, Jonah’s plea is hard to watch. As a parent of a child who has been bullied, it is hard to watch. As a parent, I am just as lost as other parents about what to do to support a child when this happens. This insidious behavior can often leave our kids speechless - lacking the words to articulate and express what is going on. It may be their emotional, irritable or acting-out behavior that signals a problem. Thanks, Jonah, for putting words to what our kids are feeling.
As adults, we are just as perplexed about what to do when bullying happens in the workplace. The government introduced anti-bullying legislation in the workplace in Ontario 18 months ago and it has increased awareness about the problem, yet people are still unsure what to do if it happens to them, or if they see it happening to others. Bullying, in its simplest form, is one person being mean to another. It is an expression of an unmet need based in fear and characterized by threatening behavior.
I tell my kids that if they feel bullied, or if they witness behavior that appears to be bullying, they need to Speak Up, Speak Out and Speak Loud. They need to speak up to an adult or person of authority about the issue, speak out to the person mistreating them by creating boundaries around acceptable behaviors, and speak loud until they truly feel like they have been heard and the issue is being addressed by someone who can help. This isn’t always possible if children don’t feel safe in their school environment, and it isn’t possible if employees don’t feel safe in their work environment.
In addition to holding bullying behaviors to account, it is essential to understand what is at the core of the "bully’s" unmet need. This requires effective conversation and inquiry, which few of us have been trained to do. It is especially difficult when you are the parent of one of the children involved because it is such an emotional issue – staying calm and rational is not easy!
How have you navigated bullying behavior – either in your workplace or with your children? This is an issue that requires more conversation and an exchange of ideas. We’d like to hear yours… As parents, it is our responsibility to model impeccable behavior and perhaps we can do that by talking more about the issue.
The Fight or Flight Response
Jul 26, 20110 comments
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We all experience stress in our lives. They may be small, everyday stressors like getting stuck in traffic, missing a work deadline or getting into an argument. Or they may be larger stressful events like getting into a car accident and being laid off from your job. Whether experiencing a small or large stressor, we will have a physiological body response to the perceived threat or danger. The response occurs in a part of our brain called the hypothalamus. When we are stimulated, the hypothalamus activates two systems which produce the flight or fight response. You can read more about this process here.
The physical responses that result are intended to help protect you from the danger you are facing. Some of these include our respiratory rate increasing, awareness intensifying, pupils dilate, our sight sharpens, our impulses quicken, etc. They prepare you to either run from the threat (flight) or fight against it. When we are faced with a problem or stressor and in this state of mind it is extremely difficult to think rationally. Out of fear, we are in a negative state of mind, our rational mind is disengaged, we are overwhelmed and only focused on short-term survival, resulting in being unable to make clear choices and recognize the consequences.
Being aware of this can be very beneficial in our work and personal lives. Everyday we are faced with different stresses and try to deal with it in the best way. Knowing this, it is helpful to avoid giving in to our automatic fight or flight response. Instead, we should do the opposite. Try to stop and take time to keep calm so that we can rationally respond to the threat - this is called the STOP model. For more information, read Using the STOP Model blog post.
Paired Comparison Tool
Jul 14, 20110 comments
A very effective tool I recently learned and found of good use is Paired Comparison. This is one of the tools found in the Innovation in a Box training program created by Rick Boersma. What I really like about it is the fact that it can be used to help you structure and make decisions no matter how big or small the choice may be. It is a great way of providing a framework and weighing up the relative importance of different options.
Here’s how it works. You list all your options. Then compare every option with each of the others. Once you decide which of the two options is more important, you score the difference in importance. Once you do this for all pairs, you will finish off with an ordered list of the options that are best suited to your needs. I would have found this tool especially useful a couple of months ago when I was making my decision for where I should work for my summer co-op term. Although the choice seems obvious now, I was debating between my position at Juice Inc. and a much larger, more corporate company. I knew the things I hoped to get out of my work experience as well as what each, very different company had to offer. However, it was hard to make this connection. If I had used Paired Comparison, it would have been very useful to help me focus on each aspect in a structured way and more easily establish which job would be the best fit for me. This tool is helpful not only with personal decisions, but also aid in your work life. The Paired Comparison tool allows you to take on a structured approach and come to your solution in a timely, easy manner.
Love Lives in the Tension
Jul 12, 20110 commentsRelationship Rule #1 states that, in any relationship you will encounter differences. Men and women’s communication styles are very different. South Americans have a different sense of timeliness than North Americans. Operations people tend to value processes differently than sales people. Millennials appreciate technology differently than Boomers do. An introvert views a company party very differently than an extrovert does.
And differences tend to create a sense of tension. The beauty of tension is that it has something powerful residing within it – energy. You don’t get to decide whether energy will get released from the tension – you do get to decide whether it will be intelligent energy or destructive energy.
At work, we deal with business tensions every day:
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- Meet the global needs of the organization and meet the individual needs of the employee.
- Achieve economic and ecological success.
- Do what’s good for the present and for the future.
- Provide a differentiated, tailor-made customer experience and reduce costs.
- Use technology to drive efficiency and help employees feel that face-to-face connection.
- Develop peoples’ careers and maximize productivity.
Great leaders stand right in the middle of the tension, use the power of the and, harmonize the conflicting needs and in so doing, release a powerful energy that drives sustainable results.
I’m beginning to think that in relationships, love lives right in the middle of the tension. My partner Theresa and I have been together for twenty-nine years. I started off the relationship swallowing my needs, overlooking issues and stuffing my frustrations in an attempt to meet Theresa’s needs. That didn’t work. It created bitterness and resentment. I wasn’t loving myself. Then I tried to make sure I got my own needs met. That didn’t work either. It created a pendulum of fiery explosions and icy wildernesses. I wasn’t loving Theresa.
Love lives in the tension. It’s the drive to get your own needs met and the drive to ensure your partner’s needs get met. Love both covers our partner’s inadequacies and calls out their bad behavior. Love accommodates and demands growth.
When two people stand right in the middle of their relational tensions and extend themselves to invest in their own highest good and highest good of the other, astonishing energy is released.
Nature vs Nurture
Jul 7, 20110 comments
What makes you who you are? Although we know our curly hair, straight teeth and overall good looks are the result of the genes we inherit from our parents, it is much tougher to understand how exactly our personality, talents, and behaviours are developed. Are your musical abilities learned from your family or predetermined by your genes? This age old question has been in debate since the 13th century with no certain answer. It is not known how much of our makeup we can contribute to our parents or the environments we grow up in. For instance, you and your siblings may have very similar mannerisms and personality traits, but is this because of the genes from your parents or because you have grown up in the same environment? At the same time, one may argue that their siblings have more differences than similarities, but is it because genes are playing a smaller role, or has the environment just changed due to attending different schools, the child’s birth order, or the different friends and teachers that influence them. It is almost impossible to decipher whether differences are due to environment, simply because even though you may have grown up with the same parents, in the same house in the same neighbourhood, there are many other variables. A major one is the different people that affect our lives causing us to have different experiences. On the other hand, there have been numerous studies on genetics and their influence on individuals, namely twin studies.
Twin studies are a key tool in behavioural genetics and can show the extent to which genes play a role in influencing one’s traits. Studies have shown that identical twins share almost 100% of their genetic polymorphisms whereas fraternal twins only share 50%. This means that most variation in their traits is due to their individual unique experiences. Other twin studies have been conducted when twins are separated at birth and grow up without knowing they have a twin. They are studied and introduced later in their lives to see the similarities or differences that exist. A good example of this study is with twins Elyse Schein and Paula Bernsteinwho grew up not knowing about each other but met as adults. They were fascinated to find they had so many unique similarities even though they grew up in different cities with different families. According to Bernstein, this seems to show that genes influence at least 50% of one’s traits. Although this finding was dominant in this study, it does not hold true for all cases. Many would argue that similar social class, education, and family values are a big influence as well. Every case is different, there has been no agreement on how much of nature or nurture affects us, nor which one has a greater influence. The only thing that has been recognized is that both interact with one another and play a role in our development.
It is helpful to understand how nature and nurture affect and shape us not only in our personal lives, but also in the way we work and how we interact with our coworkers. We all have different thinking preferences, which are explained by Rick Boersma in Chapter 3 of his Graphic Innovation Field Guide. This is depicted in a four quadrant model and depending on which box you fit into, will determine your strengths and weaknesses. Being aware of your own, as well as other’s thinking preferences, can improve your work relationships and help you better interact and communicate with one another.
Love Makes you Strong
Jul 5, 20110 comments
Want your quads, calves or biceps to grow? Here’s how to make it happen. First you exert yourself to the point of tearing the micro-fibers of your muscles. Next you rest your muscles. In the next couple of days, as the torn fibers repair themselves muscle is built. This is the cycle that creates the growth of muscles: stress and recovery, stress and recovery.*
Extending yourself tears the muscles
Last week my eldest son Adrian and his wife Alison had a triple whammy. They moved into a different house on Saturday, had a baby on Sunday and renovated their entire bathroom in the ensuing week. I had just come off a big month of travel and was exhausted. But I really wanted to invest in the highest good of my kids. Adrian and I gutted the bathroom, re-plumbed it and got the drywall all taped. I worked late into the night with him then woke up at 4:30 the next morning to take off on another trip. I knew when I woke up that my body was sick. Sometimes when you extend yourself to invest in someone’s highest good it requires sacrifice – you tear something in the process. I later told my business partner Alex, “I wouldn’t trade this cold for anything. It means everything for me to be there for Adrian.”
I have stepped into many, many stressful conversations – extending myself to invest in someone’s highest good. In the process I often exerted my intellectual or emotional muscles to the point where they began to tear. In the aftermath I became enlarged – a bigger, more expansive human being.
My scope of care and ownership expanded and I became more mature, no longer just caring for my own good and growth but the good and growth of those closest to me, and then in an ever-expanding orbit – my community, my province, my nation – my world.
Are you tearing the muscles?
Is there someone you need to offer your help to – something that will mean significant personal sacrifice for you?
Is there someone close to you who needs to move to a higher level of growth or maturity and you’re the one who needs to have a conversation with them?
Is there someone with an annoying idiosyncrasy requiring levels of patience and restraint from you, that are almost more than you can bear?
*For more on this concept read The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Lohr and Tony Schwartz.
Love is Your Selection Process
Jun 30, 20110 comments
If it’s true that the soul’s stature is measured by the yardstick of love, you might be asking yourself, “How do I stack up in the love department? Am I a loving person?” I have an answer for you: you are a loving person. You love all sorts of things. Whenever you extend yourself to invest in the highest good of someone or something – that’s love.
I often extend myself to invest in the highest good of my customers. So by the definition above, I love my customers.
My neighbor Jim extends himself to invest in the highest good of his Harley. He loves his motor cycle. Kelly extends herself to invest in marathon training. She loves running.
Love is the selection process that determines what you will do and what you will not do; what you value and what you throw away; what you seek after and what you spurn; what you will devote your time to, and what you will ignore. The question is not: “How can I be a more loving person?” You are already a loving person. You love all sorts of things. The question is: “How can I love the things that are most important and beneficial?”
Your marriage suffers when your spouse feels you love yourself more than you love them. Your family suffers when your kids feel you love your career more than you love them. Your business suffers when your customers feel you love your processes more than you love serving them. We do love. The question is: “What do we love?” and “How do we know what’s best to love in the moment?”
The answer is not as simple as, “Don’t love things – love people.” You do love your old Gibson hummingbird guitar, and if my definition for love holds any water you should. By all means extend yourself to invest in its highest good: polish it, store it at the proper humidity level so it doesn’t crack and don’t let your four-year-old shred it with a bread tag.
But if you don’t know when to put your Gibson down and listen to your wife’s concerns about the colleague who’s trying to assassinate her character at work, then she’s going to feel you love your Gibson more than you love her. That will not be good for your marriage. If you go ballistic when your teenager spills hot chocolate in your SUV, he might not have a huge desire to hang with you.
I remember helping a friend move. The ramp of the moving truck was very slick and I slipped and hurt myself. My friend came running over and immediately expressed his concern – for his dresser. He began running his hands over the wood to determine if any damage had been done. The message seemed articulate: “I love my furniture more than I love you.”
I think in general, loving people enlarges our soul more than loving things. Perhaps that’s because people are harder to love than things. They seem to require a greater extending of ourselves and a steeper form of investment. Extending yourself to invest in your cottage has a pretty linear form of payback to it. The relationship between cause and effect is trickier to track when you invest in people.
So love things, love ideals and love people. Most of all, learn to detect what the moment is calling for and focus all your attention on loving that in the moment.
Fun Friday Blog Post
Jun 10, 20110 comments
For any of you who were a teenager with parents who embarrassed you or if you are now one of those embarrasing parents you will love this story. What's interesting is that the dad got into his son's frame of mind and this became something he looked forward to.
"Rain Price will never forget the first day of his sophomore year of high school. On the bus, packed with classmates from his suburban Utah school, Rain peered out the window, mortified."... http://yhoo.it/j9bKik
I wish I rode that bus!
Here is a picture of Dale Price waving at his son's bus on the last day of the school year.
(courtesy of waveatthebus.blogspot.com)
Take care of your employees and they take care of your business!
Jun 9, 20110 commentsAuthor: Matt Ninaber, CEO/Director, High Rise Studio
Every once in a while you learn something that saves your life. That’s when you write it down and tattoo it to your brain.
Being an entrepreneur is a hard thing. Being an entrepreneur who just got married is even harder. Being an entrepreneur, married and having a team of seven people (and 
counting) is even harder than that. There are so many things that need working on. Such as generating leads, customer service and retention, product development, payroll, employee experience…. the list goes on.
So when I learn something that makes life easier, I like to write it down and share it.
Eight years ago, Josh and I could be found constantly running around with a video camera in hand, living out our dream. Now it seems as though I spend more time with the list above than actually making movies.
By passion, I am a moviemaker; by necessity, I am a business owner.
The question I have been asking myself lately is: “How can I get back to making movies, while at the same time make sure we are taking care of business? How do we get new clients? Stay ahead of the curve? Be innovative and solve problems fast?”
The solution? It’s called the Success Ethic. The basic concept is:
“Take care of your employees and they take care of your business.”
I find this especially hard to do because running a business is a lot like going into battle. There is intense competition in quality, price and turnaround. The idea to stop and ask people how are they doing and give them “felt support” [supporting your employees the way they need to be supported] feels like a time waster. To make sure people fit, ensuring communication is clear, that they feel supported, valued and inspired seems overwhelming.
But something happens when a business makes their employees top priority.
It’s the difference between Peter Parker before he was bitten by a radio active spider. It’s like taking kryptonite out of Clark Kent ribs. Something breaks and you don’t have regular employees. You get superheroes that are faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Now the question: How do I know this secret to success?
One of our long standing clients is Juice Inc. In short, Juice Inc. is hired by organizations across the globe to help implement this strategy of felt support through something called the Success Ethic. By creating promotional videos for them (and watching them over 100 times … literally), we’ve learned a thing or two about the Success Ethic and have had numerous opportunities to apply it here at High Rise Studio.
When I was young, at the ripe age of 20, my goal was to “to tell stories that inspire and equip people to live lives bigger then themselves.” Now, my mission is to “build the world’s greatest team that will tell stories that inspire and equip people to live lives bigger then themselves.” Focusing on taking care of the team here at High Rise Studio seems to be one of the keys to doing that and getting back to making movies.
What are your thoughts about making employees your top priority?
Reprinted with permission. © 2011 High Rise Studio
The Power of Words, The Beauty of Referrals
Jun 7, 20110 comments
In my role I have the opportunity to pass on books to friends and colleagues but I am never quite sure that they make a difference. I gave a friend of mine a copy of Finding the Sticking Point. She loves to read and I thought it might be helpful in her current role of National Account Manager of CNHR Magazine. Well, she loved it! So much so, she recommended the book to the owner of the publication and he suggested she write a book review on it. Check out what she thinks in the May-June 2011 edition of Canadian Natural Health Retailer Magazine: http://bit.ly/mvBYgu
And to my friend, thank you for the power of your words.
Love Makes You Big
May 31, 20110 commentsTears welled up in Shelly’s eyes as she told me about her boss’ sacrifice. Shelly was stuck in a no-win situation. She managed a highly-complex nursing unit with too few resources, too many demands and too much emotional energy being sucked out of her by a chronic bullying issue.
Kate, my boss came to me and said, ‘I’m carrying your pager for the next six weeks while you get things straightened out. I’ll let you know what you need to respond to and I’ll take care of the rest. What kind of a boss does something like that?!”
In short, only big people do things like that. Scott Peck unpacks the concept of human enlargement in The Road Less Traveled*. Psychologists say that when “we are attracted to, invest in and commit to an object outside ourselves 'we actually cathect it' We psychologically incorporate a representation of that object into ourselves.' In the process of cathexis, we extend the boundaries of our personhood by stretching out toward the object of our love whose growth we wish to nurture.”
My neighbor Mary-Catherine is a gardener who loves her garden. When she’s at work and takes a break for lunch she pulls out her Lee Valley catalogue and studies the gardening section. On rainy days she’s creating sketches of how she envisions her garden to be. In a very real way, Mary-Catherine has incorporated the garden within her, and by this incorporation her self has become enlarged. She is not only Mary-Catherine anymore, she is Mary-Catherine with a garden growing inside her.
Those of us who are parents have experienced this first-hand. I am not only a person, I am a person with children and grandchildren living inside me. Through cathexis - being attracted to, investing in and committing to the objects of my love I have become a bigger person. In short, love has made me big.
If love enlarges us, think how large Mother Theresa’s soul was. She cathected thousands inside of her. Think how small the soul of a cold, heartless banker who only lives for his own self interests.
I’ve been on a quest to discover a working definition for love. I think maybe there’s one inside this concept of cathexis. My current working definition for love is extending yourself to invest in someone’s highest good.
So back to Shelly’s question, “What kind of a boss carries her employee’s pager for six weeks?” A boss who is attracted to, invested in and committed to the highest good of her employees. In short, a boss with employees living inside of her. It’s only a big person who makes a big boss.
How big are you on the inside? What, or whom do you have living inside of you? If you extend yourself to invest in the highest good of your employees, it is possible that one of them is speaking positively about you right now and asking, “What kind of a boss does something like that?”
*If you haven’t yet read it, pick up Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled. His thoughts on cathexis are on page 52-53 of Love at Work.
Got a Soul?
May 26, 20110 comments
A chunk of limestone does not seek the growth of another being. Neither does a turnip. As far as we can tell, minerals and vegetables have no drive to seek the growth and preservation of others. The cocker spaniel, on the other hand, does exhibit this drive. She cares for and protects beings outside her own scope of concern. Humans take this trait to even more sophisticated levels.
If you were asked, “Does a rock have a soul? Does a turnip? A cocker spaniel? A human?”, what would you say?
Mihalyi Csikzentmahalyi, the author of the book Flow, has an opinion on this. “No matter how complex a system is, we judge it as having no soul if all its energies are devoted merely to keeping itself alive and growing. We attribute soul to those entities that use some portion of their energy not only for their own sake but to make contact with other beings and care for them.”
With this thought in mind, one could argue that the cocker spaniel has a bigger soul than the heartless lawyer who devotes all his energies to serving himself.
The bigger the soul – the more it seeks to extend itself to invest in the highest good of another. In short, the soul’s stature is measured by the yardstick of love.
In a very real sense, love is the metric of maturity. Got a soul? How big is it? You can tell by the amount of energy you expend seeking the highest good of others – the drive to seek the growth and preservation of an ever-broadening community. This journey of maturity started when you began to share toys with other toddlers. It continued with your friends as you protected them in the schoolyard. It progressed when you protected a colleague’s reputation at work. Perhaps you’ll get married and have children. That part of the journey will give you millions of opportunities to grow your soul. The journey includes all your dealings with your community, and your entire world.
Here’s my definition for love at this point in my journey: Love is extending yourself to invest in someone’s highest good.
Breaking apart this definition will provide you with a choicepoint many times a day: Will I extend myself? This can mean sacrifice, stress, stretching and pain. To invest. This part requires risk. You take time, energy or money that’s in your hand as a for sure thing and you spend it on someone else in the hopes that good will come out of the investment. In someone’s highest good. This part requires relationship and conversation. A person’s highest good is not tattooed on their forehead. Not only that, most people aren’t crystal clear themselves, about what the highest good is for them. We all have blindspots and are a little bit unaware of what’s best for us. This is a discovery process: seeking to co-explore what someone’s true potential is and how you can help them fulfill it.
Animal, vegetable, mineral – the choice is yours every day.
Mexico 2011
May 2, 20110 comments
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Well we are done. Yesterday was early to late...dust, dirt, paint, tar, wood, glass, windows, screens, cement, noise, people, hard work, laughter, prayers, dedication, team, heart and tears...a week of our time and a families prayers answered...feels so good!
Day Three in Mexico - The Push
Apr 28, 20110 comments
Today there was a big push to tar the roof and roll on the shingles. Yet again the youth stepped up and worked so hard. They tried their hand at everything and came out more confident after being challenged and experiencing their success. The interior wall went up and windows were cut to size, trimmed and framed.
Every morning prior to heading out to the building site, we gather in a circle and talk about the upcoming day. Yesterday we spoke about walls and I asked the team to think about what walls they would like to bring down. This morning I asked if anyone wanted to share about their reflections...One 14-year-old said she wanted to bring down the walls of control and worry and another talked about how to really trust God to be there for her. I would like to get better at leaving my judgements behind. Another dad in the group said he would like to shed fear. Our circle time has become powerful!
This morning we talked about what it means to be content when we have much and when we have little. Tomorrow we will talk about that question, and specifically what grips their heart and prevents them from being content.
The sun is going down right now, the breeze is cool, birds sing their song of days end. A small group has just finished singing and are doing their
devotional. What a great day!
Mexico 2011 - Day 2
Apr 27, 20110 comments
We managed to put up the walls and tack on the roof in very windy conditions. Our teen volunteers were determined to get that roof on and the house is painted beautiful Canada Red!
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We stopped work early today so we could put together care packages of flour, semolina, oil, and 2 types of beans and rice.
Once the packages were complete, we drove off-road passing a dump until we came to a migrant camp. The kids saw us first and started waving and hollering at us! They ran on ahead calling out to the others. Everyone played with the kids: soccer, ring-around-the-rosie and many piggy-back rides. The camp has no working toilets and water is delivered. Fences are made with whatever material they have or can be found and many houses have tarps covering their roofs. I am reminded that it makes a difference where you are born and it determines so much... We, have much to do, and much to be thankful for...
Mexico 2011 - Day 1
Apr 26, 20110 comments
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Juice Inc. president and partner, Alex Somos takes an annual trip to Mexico to help build houses for families there who go without the basic need of a roof over their head. This year, the goal is for he and his team to build two homes in a week, rather than one. Over the next few days we will provide you with some of his thoughts as he and his family offer their support to those in need. This is the first of his “Mexican Blogs”.
My day started with the call of roosters trying to outdo each other, and mourning doves filling in the spaces. It was sunny all day with a strong wind constantly at our backs. We laughed as we wiped our faces and saw how much dirt clung to our cloths.
When we got to the work site we were greeted by three children ages two up to six. It’s hard to tell how old they are because they are small due to poor nutrition. Their mom, Maria Carmen, came out to greet us with her baby wrapped in blankets. It just gave us so much joy to see their expectant, happy faces. They live in a patchwork building made of cardboard, discarded pieces of wood, hard board and plastic. The outhouse is in much-needed state of repair and doesn’t offer us gringos the comfort we are used to. We take bathroom runs back to the base to ease everybody’s cares and fears. Our group has 12 people of mostly teens, a great group of women (all of who are moms) and a couple of us veterans.
The team gathered in a circle on the top of a cement pad. I asked the group what they were standing on. After a number of different answers someone finally said, “A foundation?” I commented that we all have foundations, 
except ours are typically invisible. I encouraged the group to think about what beliefs make up their foundations and to use this time to reflect upon them and ask themselves if they need to address any.
Beliefs are foundational and they drive our behavior. Are yours serving you and your life purpose? Are there any you need to leave behind? After a little reflection time we reviewed the plans, organized our team and got busy. I can tell you the teens were enthusiastic, they were fun and they worked very diligently. I was so touched as they engaged with the kids - helping them hammer or move smaller pieces of wood. The day flew by... We managed to build the outer wall and roof panels. Tomorrow we paint (always fun with the kids, everyone helping), assemble the outer shell and put the roof on. Hopefully we will have it sheeted before day’s end. Maria Carmen picked a bright red for the exterior colour with white trim...
Innovation Interview Part 1
Apr 26, 20110 comments
Do you think companies are more concerned with product innovation than enterprise innovation? Why? Does the economy have anything to do with it?
When I was asked this question by an editor recently, this is my response...
I’ll be provocative here and say that companies should be more interested in product innovation then enterprise innovation because of the numbers associated with breakthrough products. Truly superior new products have 4-5 times the success rate, market share and rated profit of “me too” new products.
Having said this, the reality is that few companies are willing to dedicate the resources necessary to ensure breakthrough innovation on either the product or enterprise side. Most innovation in most organizations is incremental.
Most enterprise innovation efforts are focused on the maintenance or mild improvement of the status quo. More often then not it’s focused on incremental cost-savings. In fact, it’s questionable whether it should even be called innovation - it’s really problem-solving.
Does the economy have anything to do with it? Absolutely. Under pressure companies are risk-adverse. Rather then making bold-bets they focus on maintenance. The irony of course is that while they do this, their competition may pass them by. The low-risk strategy in the short-term is high-risk in the long-term.
New Innovation Video - Innovation in a Box by Rick Boersma
Apr 21, 20110 commentsLearn how a so-called "average" group using innovation tools can produce 500 percent more useful ideas than a "creative" group. Innovation in a Box™ unleashes the creative thinking that powers business success.
Stress: The Heart of the Matter
Apr 20, 20110 comments
The most critical action you can take to decrease your personal level of stress in the workplace is to raise your own awareness of the emotional work of nursing, and to honor your own feelings at all times.
As the mother of five children under the age of 12 living in a 500-square foot trailer in the south, I thought I knew stress. I had struggled with adapting to single-parent life while attending nursing school full time, working at the university, dealing with financial concerns and spending tremendous amounts of psychic energy to nurture my young family. But I was wrong. The kind of stress I was familiar with was tangible and expected—acknowledged and validated by friends and family. The stress that I experienced in the transition from nursing school to staff nursing was like nothing I had ever experienced before because it was intangible and unnamed.
To read the full article, http://www.juiceinc.com/files/documents/Stress_The_Heart_of_the_Matter.pdf
Some thoughts on Conflict
Apr 5, 20110 commentsYou know it when you feel it. At least I do. I become defensive. My face goes red. My breath gets shallow (and so do some of my words…) I get tense and my lips purse. Physiologically, my body is prepping for flight or fight mode. In fact it does at the mere mention of the word. Conflict.
What does it do to you? Conflict comes from the word confligere, derived from con, which means together, and the Latin fligere, which means to beat down. No wonder our bodies take on a protection stance when we hear the word.
As a kid, my conflict training came from sibling combats for the last cookie or remote control. There was very little guidance at school, except to say you turn the other cheek. (Was that another way of saying run away from it?) Turns out though, with a little bit of education, conflict doesn’t need to be such a threat. In fact, there are benefits to conflict. It can catalyze change, force decisions, boost trust, promote diverse opinions, and even strengthen relationships. An absence of conflict can signal suppressed views, it stifles growth and it limits the ability for attitudes, behaviors and relationships to evolve and change.
Do any of these opportunities exist within a current conflict you are struggling with?
Finding common ground is critical to resolving conflict but that is so much easier said than done. The same can be said for trying to understand another person’s values. Yet there’s a way to get there. The first step is to remain open, and you can do that by being curious. Ask questions genuine questions that get at the heart of the issue rather than those that help you prove your point.
Another approach is to change your perspective. In conflict, each person feels like they were “hit” first – they were wronged by someone else and there’s no possible way they did the harming. Consider for a moment, where the other person is coming from and how they could have possibly perceived a wrong-doing by you. Also think about the qualities you like in the person with whom you are quarreling. The hope is that you become more open as you are consumed by compassion and empathy rather than closed off, by anger and bitterness.
Finally, conflict is not intentional. Typically, there’s an issue behind the issue, and the presenting conflict is not the true source of pain - there's something else going on. Explore the true source and remember, people don’t do things to you – they do them for themselves – to get their own need met.
Engagement Should Be Close to the Heart
Apr 4, 20110 comments
I just returned from China. Here's how it came about. Over the past few years my 22 year old daughter Katelyn has been poking me in the ribs saying, "You go on so many trips - when are you going to take ME on a trip?" I've been looking for the right opportunity for some time. It presented itself through Katelyn's boyfriend Josh, who is teaching at a University in Hunan Province. Katy wanted to go and visit him but didn't feel comfortable navigating China by herself. I didn't have to be asked twice. We started planning our trip and got excited about hanging out together.
That's when I got the email from Josh. "I was wondering if you could transport something over to China for me?" It turns out what he wanted transported was an engagement ring - he was asking for my daughter's hand in marriage. So I began thinking about how I was going to transport the 'rock'. I didn't want to put it in my checked luggage: I'd feel horrible if it got removed. I didn't want to put it in my carry-on luggage: what if the security people asked me to open it up and Katy saw the ring. So I decided to wear the ring around my neck on a strong leather cord: people go through the security scanners with diamond rings all the time and they don't go off. I should be safe.
Well, I got through security with no problems. A few hours later I was sitting beside Katelyn on the plane, the ring that would change her future a mere 16 inches from her eyes and she had no clue. Sweet. I did have to be careful though. I had this compulsion to keep touching it beneath my turtleneck - is it still there I wonder? A few days later, after I delivered the ring safe and sound to Josh I began reflecting on the experience.
You know, engagement should be close to the heart. It should be something we carry on behalf of others. It should be something we safeguard. And it should be something we deliver for the people we serve. Doing so is love at work. And I can promise you one thing, making engagement happen won't cost you nearly as much as it's going to cost me!
Cheers, Brady.
What’s really going on in this conversation?
Apr 1, 20111 comment
These little fellas are having a great conversation. Notice their technique - the one little guy moves closer, they take turns expressing themselves, they are completely open to one another's point of view, they inquire, they're direct and they use body language well. In a conversation, people don't remember the words you use, they remember how you make them feel...
Loving Others More Meaningfully
Mar 31, 20110 commentsI want to talk about love and share a truth that has had a profound effect on me, illustrating it with a story from my marriage.
I had been married for a number of years and loved to show my wife Mary how much I loved her and appreciated her. Being a romantic at heart, I would write her cards and bring flowers home for no other reason than to let her know how much she meant to me. She received them gratefully and with smiles, although one day she sat me down. “Honey, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I love the cards you give me and I appreciate the flowers and kind words. However, if you want to show me you love me in a more meaningful way, then maybe you could do the dishes more often. That would be more meaningful to me.” You can imagine how that made me feel! My internal voice was in disbelief and I felt hurt. It took a while to settle my own feelings and to really hear what Mary was saying to me. As I reflected on her preference I realized that I had been demonstrating my love for her out of my own construct and how I believed she wanted to be loved. I realized that even though I had the right intent, the action was not having the intended impact. So often, we love others out of what we think is meaningful rather than loving them in a way that is meaningful to them.
A while after, I had a conversation with a friend about this experience, he shared with me how he applied this very principle to raising his kids. “As parents we go out of our way to let our kids know they are loved and accepted. We tell them often ‘I love you’ or ’you know I love you, right?’ But a question I have learned to ask my children that is way more powerful and scary is ’Do you feel loved?’ The distinction is important. I have never forgotten that moment; it helped me become a better dad. At night after story time and later during the teenage years I found opportunities to ask my kids this question. In turn, their answers helped me love them in ways that made them feel loved – and helped me understand my kids in a more profound way. In the realm of those that are most important to us, we need to learn that if we really want to love someone we have to love them from their point of view and not from how we think we should love them or how we like to be loved.
Listening is an Act Of Love
Mar 30, 20110 commentsPowerful words, aren’t they? It’s the name of a book published by StoryCorps based on the idea that the stories of everyday people are important. They say that when we take the time to listen, we are rewarded with the wisdom, wonder and poetry in the lives of the people around us. Knowing our lives matter and that we won’t be forgotten is an intrinsic part of our being. Listening, they say, is an act of love.
StoryCorps launched in October, 2003 with 91-year-old Studs Terkel proclaiming, “Today we shall begin celebrating the lives of the uncelebrated! We’re in Grand Central Station. We know there was an architect, but who hung the iron? Who were the brick masons? Who swept the floors?” Since then, StoryCorps has captured and archived the legacies of over 30,000 people, falling into the categories of life, death and love.
Fundamental to the success of this project was the courage for someone to initiate a conversation, and then for another person to join in. Conversation starters included questions like, “How do you want to be remembered? Are you afraid of dying? What are you most proud of?” If we can’t take the time to have these good conversations with the people we love, how can we tackle the more difficult conversations that cause tension and conflict? The tools on the StoryCorps website including the question generator provide an excellent opportunity for you to practice mining for the treasure in the lives of those you love, so when you run into conflict you have the strength of your relationship and a deep understanding of that person’s values to help make them feel heard, and for you, yourself to be heard. Every voice matters. And listening is an act. Of love. Now go and explore someone's story. I'd like to find out more about Studs Terkel's name...
Belief.
Mar 1, 20110 commentsA friend of ours died tragically in an accident this past week. He was in Africa teaching the poorest of the poor new ways to farm. He leaves behind a loving wife, three gorgeous and very young children and a legacy to us of courage, undeniable commitment and a deep belief that drove how he lived his life.
This is a blog post from September, 2010 that he wrote...
“Today we went to Edinburgh Castle. While the kids sat on cannons and climbed the ramparts I pursued the museum. At the top of the castle the Scot’s have turned the chapel into a war memorial. I decided I would hunt for my Uncle who was killed during WW2 a few days after D Day.
What I came upon startled me. In one of the many great volumes of names was my own. Even my initials...
D. Robert Hall.
It hit me….He died (my namesake), in a war because he loved his country, and I trust the cause. It is a somber thing to think he died, voluntarily, willingly. He at some point put his name on a piece of paper knowing full well he may die for having signed it.
I prayed that when and if I needed to do the same, I would have the same courage. I pray that I would have the conviction to put my name in on things that I believe to be right-even though I too may suffer.”
I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from the movie Braveheart “Everyman dies. Not everyone really lives.” Rob Hall really lived.
If you want to learn more about Rob go to http://www.danielroberthall.net/about/
Bad Advice? Good Intent.
Feb 16, 20110 commentsI read an article today that hit a nerve. It was in an HR publication and it talked about how to find the right words to use in an awkward situation. Many of the steps I agreed with. For example, it suggests that you should be direct in a conversation, “be respectful, be empathetic, but get to the point…” It was one of the examples used where I took umbrage. The example they use of a direct, empathetic conversation that gets to the point is “I know you have a sick child but your work is falling behind.” There are two things wrong with this. First, “I know you have a sick child” is not empathy. Gary Harper, author of The Joy of Conflict, http://www.joyofconflict.com/ says “Empathy involves understanding and acknowledging another’s feelings. It flows when we attempt to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and identify with their feelings and perspective.” There is no identification with any feeling in this example, if anything it sounds cold and calloused and everything that an empathic reflection is not. Harper goes on to say, “We demonstrate empathy by reflecting the emotion we sense in another. We don’t even have to be right; we just have to be genuine.” Do you think the person with the sick child feels genuine concern from the person saying it? This type of language will make them defensive and resentful. If you said this to me, my internal response would be “Are you saying my work is more important than my sick child?” By bringing these two thoughts together nobody is going to walk away feeling engaged or motivated to do better.
The second issue I have with this example is the use of the word “but”. Small words can have a big impact on how we think and they affect how we communicate and in turn how we are perceived. The word “but” is very divisive; it takes a thought and separates it into two. Most of the time the person you are speaking with does not even remember the first part of your statement and becomes fixated with what comes after the but…
At work:
You are a great employee, but…
Your performance has improved significantly, but…
I know you are working hard, but…
I know you have a sick child, but…
At home:
You did a great job cutting the grass, but …
I love you, but …
You are a wonderful daughter, but…
There is a more powerful and inclusive word. It is the word “And”. Try it on the examples above and see how different it feels and how much easier it is to transition to the next thought.
Let’s be perfectly clear that the work issues in the above example need to be addressed. By not addressing them, it may be creating more stress for the person with the sick child because he or she knows it is an issue, creating one more element of interference. A solution-based conversation can actually relieve stress, foster appreciation and strengthen commitment once it is addressed. In the above example I would “Pull” out how the other person is feeling and then reflect that back in a way that lets the employee know I understood their context. It is only after I have sought to understand where they are coming from, that I would seek their input on how to address the work issues that were manifesting.
Virtual Conversations with Your Kids
Feb 8, 20110 commentsImagine your daughter faces a dangerous situation, and rather than call 911, she updates her Facebook status to seek help. When two girls in Australia got lost in a storm water drain, that’s exactly what they did – they posted an update on Facebook.
Whether we like it or not, Facebook and other social media tools are becoming THE vehicles our children are using to communicate. It is perpetuated by the world in which they live. Social status is measured by friend counts, schools use these tools to update their students on news and events, and corporate brands like Skittles seduce our kids with special offers found exclusively on their corporate Facebook pages. (Please “Like” Juice. You can do it here).
I thought I was a few steps ahead of my tween children in understanding the dynamics of this media. I use Facebook as a connection tool to stay in touch with a large family and a close network of friends. I decided I would allow this platform to become one more opportunity to stay in tune with my children and let them know I trust them, but I would not allow it to replace the essential one-on-one conversations I know I need to have with them. And so, as long as I was a “friend”, and I received their username and password information, I allowed them to “get creative” about their age to get an account. I set the privacy features to the highest security settings and then I started to cheer them on in their wall posts, much to their embarrassment. But something changed on October 5, 2010, and all security settings in Facebook were re-set to “everyone”, meaning anyone can view almost all information on a Facebook page. I learned this through Chris Vollum , a Facebook “Security” expert who speaks to parents and kids at schools about how to safely play in this field.
His 90 minute talk was practical, fun and easy-to-understand. If you have children, here are three things you can do now, to make their account more secure:
- Go to “Privacy Settings” on their Facebook account and ensure the “Sharing on Facebook” chart is set to “Friends Only” or “Other”. If there are check marks under “Everyone” or “Friends of Friends”, select “Customize Settings” and change the access. Pay extra attention to photos, limiting access to “Friends” only.
- Select “View Settings” under “Connecting on Facebook” and limit access by “Everyone”. Again, change the setting to “Friends” in most cases.
- Within this area, limit the ability to see a “Friends List” by “Friends” only, and not “Friends of Friends”.
Virtual conversations are a reality in the workplace, and they are becoming a reality in our personal lives. We must remember they are simply tools, and nothing can replace the value of a face-to-face conversation to foster connection – especially with our kids.
Responsible Conversation
Feb 1, 20110 commentsWords have the power to persuade and inform. They make or break relationships, incite action and reaction, and sadly, words – have the power to discriminate, divide and wound. I’ve seen great communicators get what they want, and I’ve watched poor communicators lose what they need. People who lack the ability to communicate effectively are denied the basic need of “feeling understood”. This is particularly true of the most disadvantaged in our society, the immigrants, the poor and the uneducated.
Back in my school days I witnessed this form of “discrimination” first-hand as I watched an Asian student sit quietly at the back of the class, avoiding the professor’s glance. I worked with her in a study group and we always had brilliant conversations about the content. She was very smart yet she confessed she was failing half of her courses. With English as her second language, she knew in her head what she wanted to say, but she couldn’t get it out so it was easier for her to just be quiet.
Have you ever felt this? Where you know what you need to say, but you just can’t get it out? Some people, when you have a conversation with them, are brilliant at pulling the good stuff out, while others are just as talented at making you feel like it is easier to remain quiet. This is especially true when a conversation turns emotional. Our ability to think rationally and articulate needs seems so difficult. It isn’t until we step away do we think about all of those great things we could have said!
When we choose to engage in a conversation with someone - a colleague, a partner or our kids - we have a responsibility to pull out the best in that person. We can do this by practicing “IOU” (Interest, Openness, Understanding). Demonstrate INTEREST by being present and inquiring more deeply into their needs. Practice OPENNESS by listening to them without judgment and being curious about their thoughts, feelings and ideas. Finally, convey UNDERSTANDING by restating what you heard and understood using your own words. It is only once the other person has felt understood, that you can begin to invite them into your perspective . Without understanding, words are tools that can hurt or heal. How will you use them?
Helping People Change
Jan 25, 20110 commentsLeading people who have the inability to follow simple advice or suggestions is frustrating. Why don’t people listen? And how often do I have to tell them to do something or not do something?
Helping people change is just not that simple. It’s not as simple as telling them what to do or not do, and repeating the directive numerous time certainly doesn’t help. When we hit a spot where we need to change, we seem to give ourselves a lot of grace for our intent even if we don’t achieve our goal. But when others miss the mark, we are quick with judgment of the activity, and seldom take the time to understand their intent. Here’s what I’ve learned in my 31 years as a leader:
Never underestimate the information morass that people are being flooded with. People are swimming in information but starving for context and implication thinking. Repeat the same message but from different perspectives.
People have different frames of reference. Don’t settle for “I got it” or a nod of the head. Check their understanding of what you said. I used to doubt the value of taking the time and opportunity to check understanding. I soon learned that when things went sideways it was because people typically misunderstood my instructions because their frames of reference were different. I am amazed at how often people reflect back what they have understood and discover it is not at all what I meant!
Take most of the responsibility for how your message is understood. I now believe that YOU are responsible for making sure another person understands what you are trying to convey because your responsibility to the person is not discharged until they do. How can people do what you have asked if they don’t really get what you have asked them to do? It’s your message; take the responsibility for making sure it’s understood.
What is the payoff? The paradox of doing the above with consistency is more speed, engagement, better results and less stress and frustration for you and for people you work with.