Posts by Crista Renner

How to deliver an emotional paycheck

My neighbour Jim was sweeping the sidewalk in front of his house. He invests big chunks of time doing this, keeping it immaculate. And he’s always smiling.

Why does he do it? The sidewalk really isn’t his, yet he cares for it as if he owned every single slab. Jim is doing work for his city, keeping their sidewalk in pristine condition, and he never expects a dime for his efforts. Why? It’s all about psychological ownership; in Jim’s mind, the sidewalk is his.

The transfer of ownership from the city to Jim occurred not because of any contractual arrangement – it happened because of Jim’s felt needs. You see, Jim has a strong need for significance and for belonging.

Significance: Jim receives respect and admiration from us – his neighbours - because of how great his yard and sidewalk look.

Belonging: Jim does not want to be “like Bob” – the guy the rest of us look down upon - because of the way his yard tarnishes our street.

Does Jim receive a paycheck for his work? Absolutely! It’s just that it’s an emotional paycheck from his neighbours, rather than a financial one from the city.

Why is this linkage between felt needs and ownership important to understand? Because people go the extra mile when they feel emotional ownership. That emotional ownership is triggered by having their felt needs being met.

Your employees will go the extra mile – like Jim does - to build the success of your company when they feel they own it. That feeling of owning the success of your company gets triggered when doing so meets their felt needs for belonging, significance or meaning.

Energizing employees is an inside job – focusing first on the inner architecture of felt needs – the emotional payoffs that cause employees to own the success of your company. These intrinsic motivators have been, and always will be what drives extraordinary effort.

Here are four quick facts about Felt Needs that will help you deliver an emotional paycheck to your employees:

1. Felt needs don’t have to be (and can’t be) created. Employees come fully equipped with them (batteries included).
2. Felt needs (when met) release emotional engagement, that elusive element that unlocks 400% more discretionary effort than rational engagement (See our book “Love at Work” for more on this.)
3. Felt needs can be identified by any leader who learns how to engage in a “What matters most?” conversation. We will write more about this in an upcoming post.
4. Felt needs (when met) are the payoff that enables employees to “work for free” (and feel fully alive doing so).

Doing Good in the World

Founding Juice Inc. partner, Alex Somos, is on a mission trip this week in Baja, Mexico, helping to build a house for an impoverished family. Your support has allowed Alex, and Juice, to do good in the world. Thank you. We thought you’d enjoy some of these photos and reflections from his experience…

We are just getting ready to head out to the job site. Today we put on a rolled-asphalt roof, and then we tarred the seams. We need to hang the door and trim the exterior of the house and sheet the interior walls.  On the outside, we have to position the new outhouse and a new shower house. Hopefully, the main water container will arrive today and they can have an enclosed container for their water use. They don't have electricity so we are running all the tools off of a generator which makes for a noisy site! Our team is running really well, full of smiles and a willingness to try anything. No one stands apart or alone, and it is a beautiful picture of team work with a tremendous sense of flow. The experienced ones are supportive and they encourage the teens who are trying their hand at everything, with many doing things that stretch them well beyond their comfort zones…

Charitable Interpretation -The Art of Virtual Conversations

There seems to be some debate on how much of our messages are communicated non-verbally. The range is often quoted between 60 and 93 per cent. There’s a 7% - 38% - 55% rule that circulates, saying seven per cent of our communication is based on the words, 38 percent is based on our tone and vocal cues, and 55 per cent is on our body language.

Despite the breakdown of the numbers, when you don’t go face-to-face in communication, you lose the chemical benefits we talked about in our post about sparking fascination and trust in conversations. In a phone conversation, you have the advantage of using vocal cues, but an email relies completely on the words. If the above formula is true, there is a 7 % chance of conveying what you need to, based on words alone. Add a camera to the call, and you have some of the advantages of face-to-face, but you still lack that chemical connection of being present with one another, in the same room.

Charitable Interpretation, where you interpret the other person’s meaning and intent with goodwill, and attach the most favorable perspective to their words, is a tool you can use in any conversation – virtual or otherwise.

Phone & Teleconference Conversations

•Take a few minutes at the start of your conversation for up-front connection and bonding. Be intentional and authentic, while respecting the need for others on the call, to get on with the business of the call.

•Smile. Even though the other party may not be able to see it, your smile comes through in your voice and enhances connection.

•Demonstrate respect to engage your virtual audience – give your undivided focus. Don’t give in to the urge of answering your email while the other person Is talking. Remember, hearing is more acute in a phone call and the other party may hear the tapping of a keyboard.

•Reflect implications: reflect back the essence of the speaker’s message, and the implications of what that may mean inside their world. This sends a clear signal to them that you deeply understand their message as well as where they are coming from. People tend to trust someone who understands them.

•Use word pictures and stories to intrigue the listener and help them understand your world.

Email Conversations

•Before composing an email, step into the other person’s world and ask yourself whether this is the best way to send the message, or if a phone call or a face-to-face conversation is best. If it is an emotional, personal or sensitive issue, email is not the vehicle to use.

•Consider the language that most appeal to this person. Are they technical or non-technical, formal or informal, expressive or succinct? Frame your message in the language that will make it easy for them to read and relate to.

• When you read something ambiguous in an email and it strikes you the “wrong way”, pick up the phone and ask clarifying questions with the intent of understanding, rather than being accusatory. Get curious. If it’s impossible for you to go voice to voice, then send an email asking for clarification: “I wanted to check with you on your email earlier today. Your comment on me being like ‘a dog with a bone’ could be interpreted as either admiring my perseverance or being annoyed at my stubbornness. I wanted to make sure I understood your intent. Can you say more?” Do not allow your uneasiness to go unvoiced, otherwise your heightened sensitivity may be mis-read in subsequent communication.

What has worked for you in your virtual conversations? Share your ideas here – we want to hear your suggestions!

Connect, Trust and Spark Fascination through Conversation

In last week’s blog post, Are you spreading optimism or pessimism, we discussed how emotions can be contagious. This week, we’d like to explain how you can create connections, increase trust and spark fascination in your conversations.

The Connection Contagion

Great leaders understand the powerful secret of human connection. They spend time interacting with employees, showing interest in them as a person (versus treating them like corporate chattel), listening to them, and thanking them face-to-face for their contribution. When you need to convey optimism, passion, purpose, gratitude or seriousness, the most effective way to do it is face-to-face. The limbic system in your brain regulates emotions, and sends out a wavelength in face-to-face conversations that act as a contagion to imprint others with passion and it can powerfully serve an entire organization. If you need to deliver excitement and enthusiasm, or perhaps compassion and kindness, along with your words, consider a face-to-face conversation as your default, if possible.

Create Trust / Reduce Tension

Face-to-face conversation is essential if you need to create trust and reduce tension in a relationship. It increases trust, bonding, attention, and pleasure, and it reduces fear and worry. As Edward Halowell puts it in his Harvard Business Review article called The Human Moment at Work:

“Nature … equips us with hormones that promote trust and bonding: oxytocin and vasopressin. Most abundant in nursing mothers, these hormones are always present to some degree in all of us, but they rise when we feel empathy for another person – in particular when we are meeting with someone face to face. It has been shown that these bonding hormones are at suppressed levels when people are physically separate.”

That explains why it’s easier to rip someone apart in an email than it would be if you were standing in front of them. But face-to-face conversation not only produces trust, it can be the happy Prozac moment of your day. Hallowell adds that “scientists hypothesize that in-person contact stimulates two important neurotransmitters: dopamine, which enhances attention and pleasure, and serotonin, which reduces fear and worry.”

Spark Fascination

Have you ever had a conversation with an “expert” who is explaining something that is intricate and complex, but you find yourself fully capable of comprehending what is being said? It’s as if all your channels are open - no distorted buzzing in the background. In another conversation, a different expert is explaining a subject that is no more complex but you feel thick and slow, unable to comprehend the message.

What was the difference? Sometimes it’s more than just your affinity with the subject matter or how ‘with it’ you felt on a given day. Often, chemistry can be at play. Perhaps the first speaker made you feel respected and valued. The second made you feel patronized and disrespected. Each of these two interactions sets into motion a very different hormonal chain of events.

Daniel Goleman, in Working with Emotional Intelligence,discusses the scientific evidence regarding the physical effects on people when they are disrespected or respected. “When we experience stress -- for example, when we’re being psychologically “erased” or simply ignored by others -- our bodies release cortisol, sometimes called the stress hormone. When cortisol is released into our pre-frontal cortex, the logic center or CPU of our brains, can shut down up to sixty-six percent of our rational reasoning powers. The unhappy effect is that we find it hard to understand what is being said. We literally remain stupid, no matter how hard we try to understand.”

He adds that whensomeone positively engages us, “our brain is being soaked in a bath of catecholamines and other substances triggered by the adrenal system. These chemicals prime the brain to stay attentive and interested, even fascinated, and energized for an almost effortless, sustained effort.”

If you want to make a deep and lasting imprint on people, make them feel respected and valued as you converse with them. Doing so will enable them to find the fascination that keeps them engaged to the point of full understanding.

This post discusses face-to-face conversation as the ideal default mode when communicating, to take advantage of your body’s natural chemicals to engage in a better connection. Next week will introduce reality, and talk about how to be more effective at having better conversations virtually and electronically.

Are you spreading optimism or pessimism?

Imagine a good friend telling you about a pill she takes every morning that produces amazing results for her in the area of her interpersonal relationships. This is a friend who used to have difficulty connecting with people. Now, she establishes an easy rapport within minutes. Building trust with people had always been difficult for her, but now people offer their trust, information and commitment spontaneously. People used to tune out when she talked. Now her conversations fascinate her listeners. 

Do such wonder drugs exist? Yes, but not in tablet form, they’re stored inside you. All of us come equipped with hormones that, when triggered and released, have a remarkable effect on our ability to connect, create trust and fascinate people. These hormones produce a relational chemistry we have with some people and completely miss with others.

Let’s explore the simple science of how human beings ‘synch’ with each other. The limbic system of your brain (the emotional center) is an open-loop system, meaning emotions can be contagious. Someone’s tears, or their smile can trigger an involuntary sympathetic reaction in you.

In their book Primal Leadership, Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee discuss this open-loop phenomenon and describe how emotions spread between people.They cite studies in which scientists measure the heart rate of two people as they have a good conversation. At the beginning of the conversation, their bodies are functioning at different rhythms, but fifteen minutes later their physiological profiles look remarkably similar – a phenomenon called mirroring.

Scientists describe [the limbic loop] as “interpersonal limbic regulation,” whereby one person transmits signals that can alter hormone levels, cardiovascular function, sleep rhythms, and even immune function inside the body of another…The open-loop design of the limbic system means that other people can change our very physiology – and so our emotions.

Put us together in face-to-face conversations and we regulate one another’s emotions. You’ve probably experienced this yourself. One team member’s strong, buoyant mood affects one person after another until the whole team is feeling upbeat. Another member’s critical, negative mood can equally infect an entire team in destructive ways. These authors go on to say:

This circuitry also attunes our own biology to the dominant range of feelings of the person we are with, so that our emotional states tend to converge. One term scientist’s use for this neural attunement is limbic resonance, ‘a symphony of mutual exchange and internal adaptation’ whereby two people harmonize their emotional state.

Recent discoveries in neuroscience confirm there are steps you can take to increase your chemistry in the relationships that are most important to you. In the coming weeks we’ll share how you can create connections, increase trust and spark fascination in your conversations – both face-to-face and virtually.

Bullying: At Work & School

During the past few weeks, strong anti-bullying messages have been circulating in an effort to end some of the the tragedies of student taking their own lives. Jonah is a 13-year-old boy with a disarming story. He tells his painful and often hard-to-watch journey in this video:

Perhaps I should have been stronger in my warning. As a parent of a child this age, Jonah’s plea is hard to watch. As a parent of a child who has been bullied, it is hard to watch. As a parent, I am just as lost as other parents about what to do to support a child when this happens. This insidious behavior can often leave our kids speechless - lacking the words to articulate and express what is going on. It may be their emotional, irritable or acting-out behavior that signals a problem. Thanks, Jonah, for putting words to what our kids are feeling.

As adults, we are just as perplexed about what to do when bullying happens in the workplace. The government introduced anti-bullying legislation in the workplace in Ontario 18 months ago and it has increased awareness about the problem, yet people are still unsure what to do if it happens to them, or if they see it happening to others. Bullying, in its simplest form, is one person being mean to another. It is an expression of an unmet need based in fear and characterized by threatening behavior.

I tell my kids that if they feel bullied, or if they witness behavior that appears to be bullying, they need to Speak Up, Speak Out and Speak Loud. They need to speak up to an adult or person of authority about the issue, speak out to the person mistreating them by creating boundaries around acceptable behaviors, and speak loud until they truly feel like they have been heard and the issue is being addressed by someone who can help. This isn’t always possible if children don’t feel safe in their school environment, and it isn’t possible if employees don’t feel safe in their work environment.

In addition to holding bullying behaviors to account, it is essential to understand what is at the core of the "bully’s" unmet need. This requires effective conversation and inquiry, which few of us have been trained to do. It is especially difficult when you are the parent of one of the children involved because it is such an emotional issue – staying calm and rational is not easy!

How have you navigated bullying behavior – either in your workplace or with your children? This is an issue that requires more conversation and an exchange of ideas. We’d like to hear yours… As parents, it is our responsibility to model impeccable behavior and perhaps we can do that by talking more about the issue.

Whose responsibility should engagement be: management or the employee?

I received a query from a magazine editor - whose responsibility should engagement be: management or the employee?

This is not a fence-sitting response - effective employee engagement relies on both employees and management.  Employee engagement is not a "broad program" you can enforce upon all. What engages each employee is as unique as that person. It is up to that individual to communicate what it is that he or she needs to feel like they fit, they're clear, what support they need, and what makes them feel valued/inspiredand rewarded.  If, as an employee I can't or don't communicate my goals and objectives, seek challenges and build a good rapport with my peers and managers, I will have a difficult time becoming engaged no matter what I do. The manager/leader's role is to ensure there is the type of environment that fosters these kinds of conversations so employees can flourish. There also needs to be "corporate will" from the top that management/leaders are committed to creating this kind of environment and putting into place, the kinds of reward and compensation structures that reward company values, positive behavior, a supportive, challenging environment, new ideas AND results.

Do employee-engagement reports improve engagement levels?

Do you think employee engagement reports are an effective way to improve employee engagement levels?

Employee engagement reports are a tool and should be treated as such. A hammer in and of itself does nothing until you know how you want to use it. And, like many tools, if used correctly, it can be used to build something significant. And yet, like a lot of tools, in the wrong hands, it can be destructive. What is the purpose of an engagement tool? To genuinely discover the pulse of the organization and use it as a baseline to improve? Using these tools and then hiding or not sharing the discoveries can back-fire. Ensure there is a plan in place that considers how feedback will be fed back to the people who gave it to you. Share strengths with employees, and share the areas for opportunity so they know where and how management is trying to change things, and where they can play a role. Employees who feel heard and understood will ultimately be those who are more engaged. If they feel their feedback is not appreciated or valued, their engagement levels - the very thing you are trying to improve - may get worse.

Some thoughts on Conflict

You know it when you feel it. At least I do. I become defensive. My face goes red. My breath gets shallow (and so do some of my words…) I get tense and my lips purse.  Physiologically, my body is prepping for flight or fight mode. In fact it does at the mere mention of the word. Conflict.

What does it do to you?  Conflict comes from the word confligere, derived from con, which means together, and the Latin fligere, which means to beat down. No wonder our bodies take on a protection stance when we hear the word.

As a kid, my conflict training came from sibling combats for the last cookie or remote control. There was very little guidance at school, except to say you turn the other cheek. (Was that another way of saying run away from it?) Turns out though, with a little bit of education, conflict doesn’t need to be such a threat. In fact, there are benefits to conflict. It can catalyze change, force decisions, boost trust, promote diverse opinions, and even strengthen relationships.  An absence of conflict can signal suppressed views, it stifles growth and it limits the ability for attitudes, behaviors and relationships to evolve and change.

Do any of these opportunities exist within a current conflict you are struggling with?

Finding common ground is critical to resolving conflict but that is so much easier said than done. The same can be said for trying to understand another person’s values. Yet there’s a way to get there. The first step is to remain open, and you can do that by being curious. Ask questions genuine questions that get at the heart of the issue rather than those that help you prove your point.

Another approach is to change your perspective. In conflict, each person feels like they were “hit” first – they were wronged by someone else and there’s no possible way they did the harming. Consider for a moment, where the other person is coming from and how they could have possibly perceived a wrong-doing by you. Also think about the qualities you like in the person with whom you are quarreling.  The hope is that you become more open as you are consumed by compassion and empathy rather than closed off, by anger and bitterness.

Finally, conflict is not intentional. Typically, there’s an issue behind the issue, and the presenting conflict is not the true source of pain - there's something else going on. Explore the true source and remember, people don’t do things to you – they do them for themselves – to get their own need met.

What’s really going on in this conversation?

These little fellas are having a great conversation. Notice their technique - the one little guy moves closer, they take turns expressing themselves, they are completely open to one another's point of view, they inquire, they're direct and they use body language well. In a conversation, people don't remember the words you use, they remember how you make them feel...

Listening is an Act Of Love

Powerful words, aren’t they? It’s the name of a book published by StoryCorps based on the idea that the stories of everyday people are important.  They say that when we take the time to listen, we are rewarded with the wisdom, wonder and poetry in the lives of the people around us.  Knowing our lives matter and that we won’t be forgotten is an intrinsic part of our being.  Listening, they say, is an act of love.

StoryCorps launched in October, 2003 with 91-year-old Studs Terkel proclaiming, “Today we shall begin celebrating the lives of the uncelebrated! We’re in Grand Central Station. We know there was an architect, but who hung the iron? Who were the brick masons? Who swept the floors?” Since then, StoryCorps has captured and archived the legacies of over 30,000 people, falling into the categories of life, death and love.

Fundamental to the success of this project was the courage for someone to initiate a conversation, and then for another person to join in. Conversation starters included questions like, “How do you want to be remembered? Are you afraid of dying? What are you most proud of?” If we can’t take the time to have these good conversations with the people we love, how can we tackle the more difficult  conversations that cause tension and conflict?  The tools on the StoryCorps website including the question generator provide an excellent opportunity for you to practice mining for the treasure in the lives of those you love, so when you run into conflict you have the strength of your relationship and a deep understanding of that person’s values to help make them feel heard, and for you, yourself to be heard. Every voice matters. And listening is an act. Of love.  Now go and explore someone's story. I'd like to find out more about Studs Terkel's name...

Virtual Conversations with Your Kids

Imagine your daughter faces a dangerous situation, and rather than call 911, she updates her Facebook status to seek help. When two girls in Australia got lost in a storm water drain, that’s exactly what they did – they posted an update on Facebook. 

Whether we like it or not, Facebook and other social media tools are becoming THE vehicles our children are using to communicate. It is perpetuated by the world in which they live. Social status is measured by friend counts, schools use these tools to update their students on news and events, and corporate brands like Skittles seduce our kids with special offers found exclusively on their corporate Facebook pages. (Please “Like” Juice. You can do it here).

I thought I was a few steps ahead of my tween children in understanding the dynamics of this media. I use Facebook as a connection tool to stay in touch with a large family and a close network of friends. I decided I would allow this platform to become one more opportunity to stay in tune with my children and let them know I trust them, but I would not allow it to replace the essential one-on-one conversations I know I need to have with them. And so, as long as I was a “friend”, and I received their username and password information, I allowed them to “get creative” about their age to get an account. I set the privacy features to the highest security settings and then I started to cheer them on in their wall posts, much to their embarrassment. But something changed on October 5, 2010, and all security settings in Facebook were re-set to “everyone”, meaning anyone can view almost all information on a Facebook page. I learned this through Chris Vollum , a Facebook “Security” expert who speaks to parents and kids at schools about how to safely play in this field. 

His 90 minute talk was practical, fun and easy-to-understand. If you have children, here are three things you can do now, to make their account more secure:

1. Go to “Privacy Settings” on their Facebook account and ensure the “Sharing on Facebook” chart is set to “Friends Only” or “Other”. If there are check marks under “Everyone” or “Friends of Friends”, select “Customize Settings” and change the access. Pay extra attention to photos, limiting access to “Friends” only.
2. Select “View Settings” under “Connecting on Facebook” and limit access by “Everyone”. Again, change the setting to “Friends” in most cases.
3. Within this area, limit the ability to see a “Friends List” by “Friends” only, and not “Friends of Friends”.

Virtual conversations are a reality in the workplace, and they are becoming a reality in our personal lives. We must remember they are simply tools, and nothing can replace the value of a face-to-face conversation to foster connection – especially with our kids.

Responsible Conversation

Words have the power to persuade and inform. They make or break relationships, incite action and reaction, and sadly, words – have the power to discriminate, divide and wound. I’ve seen great communicators get what they want, and I’ve watched poor communicators lose what they need. People who lack the ability to communicate effectively are denied the basic need of “feeling understood”. This is particularly true of the most disadvantaged in our society, the immigrants, the poor and the uneducated.

Back in my school days I witnessed this form of “discrimination” first-hand as I watched an Asian student sit quietly at the back of the class, avoiding the professor’s glance. I worked with her in a study group and we always had brilliant conversations about the content. She was very smart yet she confessed she was failing half of her courses. With English as her second language, she knew in her head what she wanted to say, but she couldn’t get it out so it was easier for her to just be quiet.

Have you ever felt this? Where you know what you need to say, but you just can’t get it out? Some people, when you have a conversation with them, are brilliant at pulling the good stuff out, while others are just as talented at making you feel like it is easier to remain quiet. This is especially true when a conversation turns emotional. Our ability to think rationally and articulate needs seems so difficult. It isn’t until we step away do we think about all of those great things we could have said!

When we choose to engage in a conversation with someone - a colleague, a partner or our kids - we have a responsibility to pull out the best in that person. We can do this by practicing “IOU” (Interest, Openness, Understanding). Demonstrate INTEREST by being present and inquiring more deeply into their needs. Practice OPENNESS by listening to them without judgment and being curious about their thoughts, feelings and ideas. Finally, convey UNDERSTANDING by restating what you heard and understood using your own words. It is only once the other person has felt understood, that you can begin to invite them into your perspective . Without understanding, words are tools that can hurt or heal. How will you use them?